As a neuropsychologist in Los Angeles, I often see how complicated families can be. I recently presented at a conference for professional fiduciaries on navigating the ethics of complex family dynamics, and spoke to many fiduciaries afterward about their experiences. When family issues mix with the important job of a fiduciary (like a trustee, executor, or financial advisor), things get even harder.
Fiduciaries are legally bound to act in the best interest of their clients. This often means dealing with money and very personal decisions. But when clients are part of a family with old emotional wounds, the job needs more than just knowing laws and money. It requires understanding people and skills to handle difficult feelings. The main challenge for a fiduciary is that even though their duty is to the trust or the estate, they’re often dealing with many family members. And these family members might not agree.
Each person brings their own past, hopes, and complaints to the table. These feelings can quickly turn simple money decisions into emotional disagreements and irrational behavior. These tensions can be especially heightened when fiduciaries are managing estates where questions about testamentary capacity arise. Disagreements over whether a loved one had the capacity to make certain decisions can further complicate already strained relationships.
Why Family Feelings Are So Strong
First, it’s important to know that money, especially inherited money, is rarely just about numbers. It often means love, being valued, control, fairness, or even old hurts. Brothers and sisters might act out old childhood rivalries. Adult children might feel like one sibling was always the favorite. A new spouse might be looked at with suspicion by the original family. These aren’t logical thoughts; they’re deep emotional patterns.
That’s why it’s important to remember that testamentary wishes aren’t always interpreted the same way by every family member. What one person sees as honoring a loved one’s intent, another might see as unfair or misguided.
Second, families with problems often don’t talk directly. They hint at things, get emotional, or don’t talk at all. People make assumptions, feel insulted, and remember past events in their own way. Family members may have been estranged for years. As a fiduciary, you might be the first person in a long time to try and get them to have an honest, if hard, conversation.
Tips for Fiduciaries: Being Fair While Being Kind
So, how can a fiduciary handle these tough situations? Here are some simple tips based on
psychology:
1. Always Be Fair (and Show It):
Your legal duty comes first. From the start, make it clear that your job is for the trust, the estate, or the best interest of the person who benefits – not to please individual family members or their personal wishes. Write down everything: all your talks, decisions, and why you made them. Being open like this helps build trust, even if some family members don’t like the outcome.
2. Listen Carefully and Show You Understand, But Don’t Take Sides:
Family members want to be heard. Listen closely to their worries, their side of the story, and their upset feelings. Show that you understand how they feel (“I know this is a very hard time for you”, or “I hear your frustration about X”). This is not the same as agreeing with them or their demands. Validating feelings can calm things down and make people feel respected, even if your final decision isn’t what they wanted.
3. Set Clear Rules and Expectations:
Right from the first meeting, explain your job, what you can and can’t do, and how things will work. Clearly state how often you’ll talk, how you'll talk (phone, email), and what kind of information you’ll share. If you expect arguments, think about setting ground rules for meetings. Boundaries are your best friend in your professional role!
4. Take Care of Yourself:
Dealing with very emotional people can be tiring. It’s important for fiduciaries to know what makes them upset and to stay professional. Practicing good self-care outside of work sets you up for success in complex dynamics at work. Taking short breaks, using mindfulness, or seeking consultation with a trusted colleague (while keeping client details private) can help you stay calm and fair. Don’t take sides, share your personal opinions about the family, or get pulled into their arguments.
5. Suggest a Mediator If Needed:
For very sticky disagreements, suggest or even require professional mediation. A skilled mediator can help people talk constructively, find common ground, and explore solutions in a calm, neutral way. This often prevents expensive legal battles and can help keep family relationships intact.
6. Explain the Process, Not Just the Result:
Family members often react badly because they don’t understand the legal, financial, or practical reasons for your decisions. Patiently explain why you’re making certain choices, what the law requires, and what the long-term effects will be. When people understand why something is happening, they’re more likely to accept it, even if they don’t like it.
Handling tricky family situations as a fiduciary is tough, but it’s very important. By mixing your knowledge of law and money with a good understanding of people, you can not only do your job well but also help families get through hard times with more clarity, fewer fights, and maybe even a way to heal. One fiduciary I have worked with joked with me that her job was 25% fiduciary and 75% psychologist sometimes, and in some cases, I’m sure this feels true!
In some cases, families may benefit from a professional evaluation to clarify a loved one’s ability to make decisions at the time documents were signed. When questions arise, a qualified neuropsychologist in Los Angeles, CA can provide insight into testamentary capacity, helping fiduciaries navigate decisions with clarity and legal backing.
Hopefully these tips help.
Ready to Approach Family Conflict with Clarity? Consult a Neuropsychologist in Los Angeles, CA
When tensions rise over financial decisions or estate planning, it’s not just about money—it’s about trust, history, and honoring someone’s wishes. Before a loved one can legally appoint a fiduciary, it’s essential to understand whether they have the capacity to make that choice clearly and confidently.
A capacity assessment offers critical clarity in emotionally complex situations. As a trusted neuropsychologist in Los Angeles & the South Bay, CA, Dr. Stacy Reger provides thoughtful, evidence-based evaluations that support families navigating challenging legal and relational decisions. Her approach is both compassionate and clinically precise—empowering families to move forward with respect and confidence. Take the next step today:
Call (424) 262-1925 to schedule a private consultation
Meet with a licensed neuropsychologist for a comprehensive capacity evaluation
Make informed decisions rooted in clarity, care, and professional expertise
More Support from Dr. Stacy Reger in Los Angeles, CA
In her role as a neuropsychologist and geropsychologist, Dr. Stacy Reger understands how intertwined cognitive health, legal responsibilities, and family dynamics can be. She offers a range of services that help individuals and families navigate challenging transitions—especially when emotions run high and decisions carry long-term impact.
Dr. Reger’s neuropsychological assessments help clarify cognitive conditions like dementia, ADHD, and traumatic brain injury—diagnoses that can affect someone’s ability to make informed choices about money, medical care, or legal matters. In addition to capacity evaluations, she provides med-legal assessments, workers’ compensation evaluations, and pre-surgical screenings to support thoughtful, evidence-based planning.
She also offers individual therapy for older adults facing emotional or cognitive changes, and serves as a resource for fiduciaries, attorneys, and families through consultation, training, and community presentations. Visit Dr. Reger’s blog to learn more about capacity, fiduciary roles, and the tools that help families make decisions with confidence and care.