Discussing end-of-life planning with aging parents is one of the most emotionally charged and practically necessary conversations adult children will ever face. As a geropsychologist in Los Angeles specializing in capacity assessment, I’ve seen firsthand how proactive, compassionate dialogue can prevent future confusion, conflict, and even legal disputes. “The talk” about testamentary wishes—how your parents want their assets, legacy, and final affairs handled—is not just about paperwork. It’s about clarity, so that there are no surprises or difficult questions that need to be answered if and when a parent is no longer capable of answering them.
Why This Conversation Matters
Testamentary capacity refers to a person’s legal and cognitive ability to make a valid will. It requires understanding the nature of the act, the extent of one’s assets, and the implications of distributing them. While many older adults retain this capacity well into advanced age, cognitive decline can complicate matters. Waiting too long to initiate the conversation risks missing the window when your parent can clearly articulate their wishes and legally document them.
Beyond legal concerns, this conversation is a gift. It allows your parent to express their values, clarify intentions, and ensure their legacy is preserved as they envision.
How to Start the Conversation
Timing and tone are everything. Here are some strategies I recommend:
Choose a calm, private moment. Avoid holidays or emotionally charged events. A quiet afternoon or a routine visit often works best.
Frame it as respect, not control. Say something like, “I want to make sure your wishes are honored exactly as you intend. Can we talk about what matters most to you?”
Use stories or examples. Reference a friend’s experience with estate confusion or a recent news story to gently introduce the topic.
Normalize the process. Emphasize that planning ahead is something responsible people do—not because they’re frail, but because they’re wise.
What to Cover
The conversation should go beyond “who gets what.” Here are key areas to explore:
Will and estate plans: Is there a current will? Has it been reviewed recently? Is it legally sound?
Executor designation: Who do they trust to carry out their wishes?
Advance directives and powers of attorney: Have they named someone to make medical or financial decisions if they become incapacitated?
Special bequests or legacy items: Are there sentimental items or charitable gifts they want to ensure are passed on?
Digital assets: Do they have online accounts, passwords, or digital property that should be addressed?
Navigating Resistance
It’s common for people, both parents and adult children, to avoid these conversations. It is uncomfortable to think about our own mortality, or the possibility that capacity may decline in the future. A parent in this situation may fear losing control, feel overwhelmed, or simply not want to confront mortality. Here’s how to respond:
Validate their feelings: “I understand this isn’t easy to talk about. I feel the same way.”
Reassure them: “This is about making sure your voice is heard—not about making decisions for you.”
Offer support: Suggest meeting with an estate attorney or financial planner together.
Take it slow: If they shut down, revisit the topic gently another time. Persistence with compassion is key.
When Capacity Is in Question
If you notice signs of cognitive decline like confusion, memory lapses, or difficulty with reasoning, it’s essential to assess whether your parent still has testamentary capacity. A formal evaluation by a geropsychologist or neuropsychologist can provide clarity and protect their rights. Importantly, capacity is task-specific and can fluctuate. A person may be able to make a will even if they struggle with other decisions. In my capacity assessments, I usually do brief testing to evaluate cognitive function, in addition to a clinical interview and interviews with others to gather information. Just because someone has cognitive decline does NOT mean they lack capacity, but it is smart to get an evaluation before making or changing a will so that there can’t be any questions about whether your parent had capacity (thus, whether the will is valid) later down the line.
Final Thoughts
“The talk” isn’t a one-time event; rather it’s a series of conversations that evolve as your parent’s needs and wishes change. Approach it with empathy, patience, and a deep respect for their autonomy. Done well, it strengthens family bonds, reduces future stress, and ensures that your parent’s legacy is honored with clarity and care.
If you’re unsure how to begin or suspect capacity concerns, consult a professional. A thoughtful, well-timed conversation today can prevent heartache tomorrow.
READY TO START “THE TALK” ABOUT TESTAMENTARY WISHES? CONSULT A GEROPSYCHOLOGIST IN LOS ANGELES, CA
Discussing testamentary wishes with your parents can feel uncomfortable—but it’s one of the most meaningful conversations you can have. These talks aren’t just about legal documents; they’re about understanding values, honoring intentions, and fostering peace of mind for everyone involved.
As an experienced geropsychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Dr. Stacy Reger provides a thoughtful, compassionate approach to navigating conversations about end-of-life planning and decision-making. Her expertise helps families communicate clearly, manage emotions, and ensure each person’s voice is heard and respected. Take the next step today:
Call (424) 262-1925 to schedule a private consultation
Meet with an experienced geropsychologist to prepare for sensitive family discussions
Create a plan that balances emotional understanding with informed decision-making.
MORE SUPPORT FROM DR. STACY REGER IN LOS ANGELES, CA
As a geropsychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Dr. Stacy Reger understands that conversations around testamentary wishes, future planning, and end-of-life decisions can be emotionally layered for both parents and adult children. She provides supportive, expert guidance to help families approach these discussions with clarity, empathy, and respect—ensuring that each person’s values, intentions, and concerns are thoughtfully acknowledged.
Her neuropsychological assessments offer insight into cognitive factors that may influence a parent’s ability to understand, articulate, or update their testamentary preferences. Whether evaluating memory changes, decision-making capacity, or broader cognitive functioning, Dr. Reger helps families determine the best timing and approach for these important conversations. In addition to capacity evaluations, she offers med-legal assessments, workers’ compensation evaluations, and pre-surgical screenings to support informed planning across a range of needs.
Dr. Reger also provides therapy and consultation for older adults and caregivers navigating emotional or relational challenges tied to aging, independence, and long-term planning. She supports families, fiduciaries, and professionals through education, training, and community presentations that foster healthier communication and more confident decision-making. Visit Dr. Reger’s blog to explore more guidance on aging, cognitive health, and navigating sensitive family conversations.